Adoption: Roots, Wonder, Work, and Love

Adoption: Roots, Wonder, Work, and Love

 “Why don’t you just adopt?” I’ve heard this by many people who think that it’s okay and most appropriate to squash my dream of conceiving my own child. I know that their intentions are in the right place, but sometimes it’s just not what I want to hear. On the other hand, people might be surprised at my response…after all, prior to about 5 years ago I didn’t think it was very important to birth my own child and would have been ecstatic to raise a family through adoption. In fact, ever since I thought about having children I thought I would have one of “my own” and add to my family through adoption. Since I now have lost both my parents, I feel an overwhelming need to pass on MY genes, so that in some sense my parents can live on. I’ve never felt stronger about it. Sure, there’s a ton of cost, and shots, and medications, and grief involved in trying to conceive with the help of science. Some may say that it’s overtaking my life and may not be worth it. I have considered adoption...and in actuality I have already had more experiences with adoption than I ever took time to think about...

Roots:

My maternal grandfather was adopted. We know very little about his birth family, thus my genealogy line essentially stops only two generations back on my mother’s side. There are plenty of unknowns; who were they, why was he given up for adoption, are there other full blooded siblings with offspring of their own who are my true blood relatives, what would his life have been like, where were they from, what did they look like? On and on and on. My grandfather’s adoption was never a huge factor while I was growing up. I think I knew about it, but didn’t care or didn’t ever think about its significance, or lack there of, depending on how you perceive it. My grandfather died when I was about 4 years old, so I have little to no true memories with him and never was afforded the chance to talk with him about his feelings about the adoption. I know that he has a brother (I think he was adopted from another family) and they were raised as siblings. Other than that, I don’t know much.

Wonder:

I was in college, I think around 24 years old and I was sitting at the computer with my mom. I was showing her how to use the Internet (seriously, she couldn’t even use the house cordless phone) and we were talking about what to search. She said, “I want you to search for your brother.” WHAT?!?!?!? I’m an only child, what the heck are you talking about? I’m not going to write about all the details because I have little to go on if I ever want to look for him. Bottom line is, my mother became pregnant and was sent by her parents to a home for unwed mothers in 1968. My grandfather was a colonel in the army and could not have a baby out of wedlock in his family. So, she was “shipped” off to have a baby. She gave birth under an alias name. She was told very little about the family that would adopt him. I have a letter from the adoption agency about the baby and a little bit about his family. I have the dog tag of the baby’s biological father and a picture of him; handsome devil. That’s all I really know. Oh, and thank GOD my mom told me about it before she passed or I’d have some serious questions!

What’s the significance? Well, I’m an only child. I was raised as an only child all my life. This was a HUGE blow to my identity, and I felt that my family had lied to me for so many years. I also felt a loss of the not knowing; what was he like? What did he look like? What would our relationship be like? Does he have any children?  He’s 8 ½ years older than me. Today that would put him at almost 43. I’ve thought about looking for him. Over the years I’ve spent frivolous money on self proclaimed psychics desperately seeking a sign that he in fact exists and somehow that they know how to contact him. The weirdest thing (I think) is that EVERY year for as long as I can remember for my birthday and Christmas, I always asked for an older brother. Duh, I know now that never could have happened, but when I was growing up I longed for that relationship and wanted someone to protect me from my stupid choice of  prom dates and/or boyfriends. I didn’t want a brother to share anything with, didn’t want a sister to take away my ice skating glory. I just wanted someone to look out for me. J I know this sounds strange too, but I also felt like, “What, she had someone else in her uterus? My mother wasn’t all MINE?” It’s weird. I know. I just wonder about him from time to time.

Work:

I sort of fell into the world of Social Work when I was in college. I discovered I enjoyed working with kids and heard horror stories about Child Protective Services; so, naturally I decided I would become a social worker for CPS and help “fix the system”  and the ever so positive, “save the children.” I thought CPS was the agency that took kids away for being abused or neglected. It never occurred to me that then they have to DO something with those children and parents; like see if they can give them back. I was so naïve, and maybe that was a good thing.

The long and short of it is that my first position within the agency involved working with children that had already been removed from their homes and were placed into foster care. I was working in a court driven program which required parents to complete certain classes/assessments, such as anger management, parenting education, substance abuse services, etc. all the while I was monitoring the parents' participation and progress in those services and also monitoring the children while they were in foster placement. It was a long term case management position and I sometimes held cases for 6 months to 2 years. The law has certain time statutes for how long a child can remain in foster placement before having to be returned home or having a permanent placement such as adoption. Every 6 months I was required to write a report to the Court outlining what the parents had or had not completed, how well they had completed the program, and had to make an assessment as to the risk of future harm if the children were to be returned to the care of the parents. Sometimes kids went home. Sometimes they didn’t. There were more families who for whatever reason were unable/unwilling to participate in or complete their programs. For those families, I had to focus on, “What’s plan B for this child?” I had to make recommendations that the child be placed for adoption. I say “recommendation” because at the end of the day, the Judge makes the final ruling, but only after reviewing all the evidence produced by, well, me. So, here I was, 20 something with no children of my own and I was helping to determine the fate of these children and ultimately of these families.

There were a lot of different feelings that went along with making those recommendations. Sometimes it was easy because I knew that the family was less than marginal and that the child could have a seemingly better life somewhere else. Other times, I knew of the bond between the children and their parents and realized that if they were to be adopted outside of their core family that not only would that bond be severed, but it would affect their extended family and future families. Making those types of recommendations/decisions did not come easily and was not taking lightly. It took me years to realize how close I was to adoption through my work. I hadn’t thought of myself as the “adoption” social worker because I seldom was the one finding the future family for the children.

One special child I remember told me during a conversation once that if he could have a forever family he would want them to know that he doesn’t like onions, he likes pancakes and Chinese food. He told me that he’s scared of the dark and doesn’t like monsters. He told me that he likes to ride his bike. He didn’t care whether there was a single parent in the home, traditional two parent, same sex parents, or anything…he just wanted someone to love him. I wanted to know about pets and asked, “If you could have any pet, what would you want?” He said with much thought, “Um, I think if they have a pet giraffe that would be fine.” I reviewed the list with him, “So, if you could choose your forever family you would want them to know that you don’t like onions, you are scared of the dark….is there anything else you’d like to say?” He replied, “Thank you.” I seriously almost fell of my chair, and my heart broke. I would have picked him up and taken him home myself if I could have. In the end, I was able to find him the “perfect” home. They didn’t have a pet giraffe, but lived close to a zoo. I thought that was a job well done.

Love:

I have a handful or so of friends who, themselves, have been adopted. From what I gather from them, and from some of the statements I have heard from them, they are thankful for having been adopted. All of them, as far as I'm aware, had far better lives and opportunities than they may have otherwise had. Some of them know their birth parent(s) and others don't. Several of these friends of gone on to adopt children of their own. I think this is incredibly special and a unique way to bond; having similar family experiences yet in their own ways.

There are open adoptions, private adoptions, overseas adoptions, embryo adoptions, and foster care adoptions. In my opinion there are pros and cons to all of the above. Various risks, financial complexities, root issues and possible early life exposures, stigma, extended families dynamics, and acceptance are just a few of those issues I could see arising. Still, though, there are people who are committed to loving another being, one who was created in their heart rather than in their tummy. I think this is incredibly selfless.

Most recently, a dear friend of mine has shared with me (in true experience), her journey becoming a mother through adoption. I was there when she attended an orientation to learn about the system. I was there when she became "certified" as a home ready for placement of a child. I watched her ride the roller coaster of emotions as she struggled through making decisions that could impact her life forever. I was there the day she received the phone call for placement of an infant. I walked up and down the isles of Target trying to figure out what she needed and what all those strange baby contraptions did. It was like the blind leading the blind. LOL. I was there at the hospital as she laid eyes on him for the first time wondering, "Is this my son?" I was there, watching for possible drug withdrawals because his egg donor didn't think that her pregnancy was worth caring for herself. I was there to help administer medications for the first 6 weeks of his life, again, because the egg donor didn't think enough of herself to take care of her own body.

I was there because my friend allowed me (and Calvin) to share in such an amazing and quite honestly, personal experience. She has shared her son with us, whom we absolutely love and adore. Both of their lives were changed forever, and clearly for the better. Her selflessness and obvious love for this baby has opened up a world to me of opportunity I just have never had. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I have family and friends whose children I adore, and for some I even brought home from the hospital when they were born, for whatever reasons (namely distance) I haven't been able to to be a daily and integral part of their lives. In caring for and loving this baby, through the selfless sharing of my friend, Calvin and I have grown stronger in our convictions, we have seen how the other spouse "parents" and loves on a kiddo whole heartedly, and have even more commitment to one another to have a family of our own; however that may come about.

I am humbled when I think about how close adoption has truly been in my life and in my heart. I guess I just never really sat down to think about it. At the end of the day, we could love any child. He/She wouldn't need to have our genes, he/she wouldn't have to be a certain age or race. I think the only criteria would be that the infant/child would just have to be open to being loved. That being said,  ANY child out there would be a perfect candidate for us because EVERY child deserves to know love.