There's a huge part of me, my victim part, that feels like we have been through so much together in the 5+ years of marriage that we really "deserve" to have something work out right for us, for something to be beyond spectacular, and for this child to be everything we have always hoped and dreamed it would be. How selfish is that? Like we deserve anything more than the next person? Like "certain" people are chosen for tragedy or challenges in life. I know it doesn't work that way. On the other hand, I am wholeheartedly prepared and feel like we are open minded to and could be fantastic parents to a child who may have an illness or special needs. I feel like I have a lot of inner strength, some intrinsic, some from the years of sadness I've endured, and also feel like we are stronger together and have an amazing support system surrounding us. So, if we are chosen to have a child with special needs, then so be it. Bring it on. That will be our life forevermore and together we will make it work. Seriously.
All that being said, we decided to go forward and have a 3 part noninvasive genetic risk assessment done. As of today we've completed the first two parts. The first was blood testing, which I submitted (i think 5 vials) last Monday. Today, we had the second part which was an ultrasound where certain measurements of the baby are taken, including how much fluid is behind the baby's neck. Those two tests were compiled and compared and we were provided with an overall risk assessment for genetic/chromosomal things being wrong with the baby. Before I get to the results...there was some fun stuff today!
Calvin's mom, Cathy flew in from AZ yesterday so she would be here in time to attend the ultrasound and counseling appointment with us. She was thrilled to be able to see the baby on the screen and not have to take our word that this was really happening for us. So, there we were. The three of us crowded around a monitor waiting to see a glimpse of the babykins with it's 13 week profile. The first image showed the baby lying on it's belly. LOL. Must like to sleep like it's mama! The ultrasound tech said, "I'm going to jiggle around here and see if we can get the baby to move and change position." So, she used her ultrasound wand which was on my belly and began to move it around and shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly. Have you ever had anyone, a stranger at that, jiggle your belly? LMAO. I'm just glad Calvin didn't exclaim, "Ho, Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!" or something silly like that. I would have just died. Anyway, she was successful and the baby tossed and turned like a little baby salad. There it was. "Hi mom, hi dad, look I have 2 arms and 2 legs!" Oh what a relief! The tech took all kinds of pictures from various angles and presented us with some pretty cool ultrasound pictures. She said the Doctor would be right in. The Doctor came into the room for all of 20 seconds to say, "everything looks fine and I'm forwarding the info to the genetic counselor whom you'll be meeting with in a few minutes." So, we concluded that the baby has a head, a nose, and appendages in all the right places. I'm so relieved. Oh, and it danced in the womb for us too!
Our genetic counselor, Maureen, was awesome. She was very thorough, explained everything so that we could understand, and made us really feel at ease about the whole testing process and the results. Without getting into the nitty gritty, bottom line is, so far testing has shown that we are at low risk for any genetic/chromosomal abnormality. We are still having one more set of blood tests done in the next few weeks which will test for neural tube defects (my cousin was born with spina bifida), and also for a few other things. Based on the information we obtained today we've decided not to go forward with any other testing like an amniocentesis at this time. It's just not necessary.
One thing we did discuss is medication. I was taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication long before getting pregnant and weaned off of it as soon as we learned of the positive test. The thing about depression is that it doesn't just go away. That being said, for about 6-8 months prior to getting pregnant I was feeling the best I had felt in a VERY long time. Call it situational, or what you will, but when you lose 8 significant people from your life in a matter of less than 5 years, that can really weigh on someone. I know I'll never ever get over losing my parents. Some days when I think about the pregnancy I wonder if the baby will remind me at all of my parents. I wonder if my parents chose this baby for us. I think about what they're missing out on. I just wonder all the time. BUT, now that I'm off the medication, I've been trying to check in with myself about my feelings, how I'm acting, what I'm thinking,etc. And truth be said...I can't tell if it's depression or the pregnancy hormones talking!
The other night, Cal and I went to dinner. An elderly couple was sitting near our table and I heard the woman tell the waitress it was "his" birthday. Next thing you know, a few less than stellar singers came over and sang the most pathetic version of "Happy Birthday" I think I've ever heard. The look on the man's face, though, was of pure delight. He was so thrilled that someone had acknowledged his special day. He didn't care that they were awful. I started to cry. There are seriously times I think it's just hormones, and then I wonder why I'm crying at something so minute. It's driving me nuts. Other situation things have been when I've been going through my parents' belongings or baby stuff I found hidden away that my mom had been saving for us. Is that the pregnancy making me cry, depression, or a girl just missing her mom? So, the counselor today gave me some literature about risks of taking SSRI's while pregnant. I'll do my research, think about it, and will consult with my doctor. For now, I welcome the feelings. I feel real, and this is a perfectly OK time to feel this way.
Speaking of real, today it started to feel real. The little gummy bear looking thing inside my belly now has a profile of a baby. I always longed to have a picture of a developing fetus on the strange triangular shaped ultrasound screen printed on that thin paper. Call me weird, but it's just one of those things I've always wanted...and now we have a ton of them and they just keep getting better! Now that we've hit the 13 week mark (tomorrow) I also feel like we've hit an important milestone and I can start to be excited about this life changing event that's about to happen, and I can actually start to bond with this little person I'm nourishing inside me.
Dear the month of April,
Please hurry up. I want to meet my little babykins already!!!!
Love,
Darby
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