It's been over two months since my last blog.
December 25: Christmas morning we opened a wonderful gift from my bestest friend, Kadi. It was our "gender reveal" and it revealed that we are having a BOY! I shed a tear or two, not because I was disappointed, but because I had really thought it was a girl all along, because I was surprised, and because my parents weren't here to share the news with. I can't wait to hold my handsome little Lovey soon!
January 2013: We began Labor classes. We took a 5 week course called Ready, Set, Deliver which covered all aspects of child birth including physical changes the woman's body goes through, techniques to handle pain management, breathing, a hospital tour, and some really great advice. I was sick during the first class, so Cal, being the superstar father-to-be that he is went solo. Apparently he introduced himself at the class by saying, "Well, as you can see, I'm here without a partner. That's because I don't know who the mother is yet." I apologized to the class that next week for anything he may have said or done. He's too much sometimes. Calvin was a great "Coach" through the class, took it pretty seriously and seemed very present with me. I couldn't be luckier. During our tour of the hospital, we learned that they play a lullaby throughout the hospital each time a baby is born. We heard it several times that night. How sweet is that? I can't wait to hear that in honor of our little boy when he decides to arrive! We also took a breastfeeding class...who knew there was so much to learn! And, who can discuss child labor without considering medication? We met with an anesthesiologist about risks and benefits in an effort to help develop our birth plan.
January also marked the month where I met with a pediatric group to choose our future pediatrician and we also researched several day care options in our community for when I return to work. The one we chose has a waitlist till August! So, our unborn baby is enrolled! I was a day care kid growing up. It's all I knew. The fact of the matter is that we both work and our Lovey will end up in day care learning to share, and crawling around with other critters his age for many years. It's a fact of life. Calvin's mother is sick about it and would love nothing more to live closer and to be a full time care provider. How spoiled would we all be if that could happen? Another fact of the matter is the financial burden that will ensue once we'll be paying a separate "mortgage" for monthly day care. Phew...so glad we only have one!!!!
Now it's February. We have one more class to take; Surviving the first month. I think we'll learn more about swaddling, coping with the change of having a new bundle at home, bathing in those early days, etc. I feel fairly confident in my abilities to care for little ones, and Calvin is an excellent entertainer, but thought it would be best for us, as a pair, to learn some techniques together. So, there you have it.
The Winnie the Pooh nursery is done. Baby clothes are washed and put away. We are ready!
I clearly admit that I have control issues and am an absolute planner, especially about things I feel I have no control over. I think I have done just about everything I set out to do the day I learned I was pregnant. I am prepared as best I can be. So, now we wait. Today I am 33 weeks along. Last week the baby was measuring 4 lbs, 13 oz; a great size, and apparently has a huge head...like his dad. LOL So, if he gains the estimated .5 lbs per week for the duration of the expected 40 week pregnancy, we're looking at another 4 lbs or so. WOW!
So, what do I do with all this free time now? Well, I'm still working to keep busy, I load my week up with multiple Doctor appointments, and find ways to take care of myself. I also think too much, worry, and allow myself to grieve just a little bit about my feelings of loss and what I was never able to share with my parents.
Specifically, I've been thinking a lot about my mom. Not so much of HER, but more about what made her my mom, how was she a good mom, what did I like most about her parenting style, what didn't work well for me, what do I want to do with my son that she did/shared with me, etc? I am definitely feeling the maternal stuff coming into play and recognizing that my mom was just not this fabulous lady that I learned to be friends with in my adult years, but that she was my nurturer, my educator. She loved unconditionally. She taught me about her passion for animals, travel, and art. She showed me how to keep in contact with people I love and care about. She was genuine. I want to be that mom. I want to be like her. I wish she could be here to guide me and to watch me bloom into the mother she also knew I would become. I just wish.
The other night, Cal ran me a bath, lit some candles and had calming music all cued up. I got in the tub and just cried. He came in later and said, "My life is changing too." He knew exactly what I had been thinking. I wasn't crying because I was sad, per se. I was just overwhelmed with emotion that this is REALLY happening. I have wanted a baby to call my own for as long as I can remember. I have planned my life to the best of my ability to be able to care for and provide for another little person and have wanted to give of myself in a way I have never experienced. I am so thankful that this dream, this dream that I (we) have talked about and worked toward for so long has finally come true. It's almost surreal, and sometimes makes me question if I'm deserving enough to have this amazing opportunity.
I feel cheated, that even with such joy and true happiness inside, that I still have to feel that absolute void in my heart everyday, that I still long for so much more, that I wish my life was different in that I just want my parents back. I know life goes on, and that I'll see a piece of each of them in my little Lovey's eyes every day, but somehow I wonder if that will be enough. I question "the other side" and if they had a hand in this, do they know of this baby, do they know him? How comforting to think they picked a special little guy just for us, but then I wonder if it's possible. I'm not sure what I believe or how to make sense of these kinds of thoughts. So I don't. I have them and then I move on.
Sometimes I wonder too (as tears roll down my face typing this), if my time to grieve is going to come to a screeching halt the day my son is born. I wonder if the grief will be halted because of the extraordinary joy I will feel, or if it will be set aside because I will have to choose to suppress it and move forward in an effort to give all of myself to him. Either way I don't know if I'm ready for that. Next month I will have lived without my mom for 2 years, and this summer will be 6 years without my dad. There's a part of me that says, "It's time." But, then, I don't ever think we can completely let go of people we have loved so much. I don't want to be in an active state of grief, and don't believe that I am. But, I do want to be overjoyed with love for this baby but still be OK with missing my parents every once in a while. I think I will look for them in the twinkle of his eye and wonder where he came from, who's in there, who does he know, who does he look like, and all the other things a new mommy adores about her new baby. That is what I'm looking forward to the most
Calvin was right, his life is changing too. I believe that our lives are right where they are supposed to be, and that in true Geller fashion, we will embrace this new parenting thing just as we have embraced everything else that has come our way. I could not have chosen a better life partner, or father for my baby. I am truly blessed and for that I will be forever grateful.
